Often when I write stuff for this website I keep in mind that this site could disappear from the Internet in two years, or it could be around in another twenty. I mainly keep the latter in mind because I've always been facsinated by ancient websites that haven't been updated in 25-something years. I'm compiling a list of the sites I know of here, though that page needs some updating at the time of me writing this. Anyways, I always wonder when writing stuff for this site, what will people in the future think of it?
This is an example of a page that I can't help but imagine in the following years will lose relevancy, and at some point somebody is going to come across this and think that this is a joke of some kind, that something like this could have never actually happened. Well, guess what. It did happen, and it's still alive and well as I'm writing this. Let me tell you about Pop-Tarts boxes in the 2010s.
To my understanding, kids eat sugary products because it tastes good, because they are specifically designed to get kids addcited no matter what the cost, and because they are incredibly easy to market. I remember watching Disney Channel back in the late 2000s and seeing an ad for some candy. Some candy, I really can't remember what it was called. All I remember was the ad itself, it had a bunch of bald guys with their heads sticking out of a red carpet, giving the visual of anthropomophized taste buds on a tounge. Appealing, right? The "taste buds" would get pelted by colored dodge balls or something, which represented the candy. All the while the "taste buds" were moaning and laughing uncontrolably. Beleive it or not, I actually wanted some after seeing that. Why? Because it showed SUGAR. That was all I needed!
By the way, the ad only played once. I begged my mom to get some, and it turned out by the time we could go to the store it had been recalled for being fricking digusting. I didn't listen to her warning, I wanted it anyway, so she went to eBay to by a roll. I took one taste and nearly vomited. Good times.
You're probably wondering at this point what any of this has to do with Pop-Tarts? Well, it's not called Random ramblings of rambunctiousness for nothing. Well, onto the feature presentation! I would like to know who decided that the trope for Pop-Tarts commercials should be anthropomorphic Pop-Tarts getting murdered brutally. If you don't have access to any Pop-Tarts commericals, just go to your local supermarket and take a look at the back of a box. Pretty morbid, right? Well that's the message we deliever to little kids and expect them not to know what true evil is!
Well, here's the rundown. One or more Pop-Tarts is minding their own bussiness when some kids or a poodle with a hunger for living flesh tries to cook them alive. You would think giving kids the idea that their Pop-Tarts are alive and by toasting them they are killing them with one of the most inhumane methods of execusion possible would turn them away, but it's a surprisingly effective form of advertizing. I think. They certainly haven't stopped it, I remember ads like those airing on Disney channel back in 2010, and in 2019 they still print mini comics on the back of the boxes that follows the same formula.
For referecne, here's a scan I made of the back of a box as it appeared in January 2019. They reguarly update the comics every-so-often, so it's impossible to document everything.
Larger size: 390KB
For the record, I have a 7677x6317 PNG of that box clocking in at a whopping 96.2MB. I'm not going to put that on this website as that would be a deathwish for the server, but if anyone wants that file feel free to contact me, I'll consider FTPing to you. I really can't care, it's not my work and I don't plan on doing anything with it. Besides, anyone can go to the store and pick up one to scan themselves :v
Something else worth mentioning, you will notice a parody of soap operas called "Real Pastries Of Battle Creek". I don't know if there is a name for the world that these narratives take place in, but I like to imagine that's canon. The Pop-Tarts live in BATTLE CREEK. That just cracks me up, there couldn't be a more fitting name you could put on the back of a box meant for children.
Well, this got way out of hand. I will probably update this page if I ever come up with more stuff to talk about, in which case I will add a "Last modified" tag to the end of this page. Until then, take care and carry on. And if you see talking Pop-Tarts, run Hell asshole. Even hesitate and you're going to die.
Argot
Page created: Thursday, February 7th, 2019.
