This is just something I'm making so I won't forget about it, but if you find it mildly anything, cool!
Once opon a time I didn't own many video games. This was about 2004, so all my family had was a Windows 2000 desktop whose game library mostly consisted of games that my dad didn't let me play. Mostly war stratagies, for as far as I can remember. This didn't last long, as in 2006 we got our first video game console, a PlayStation 2 Slim.
But during that time of not having any video games I could play, I mostly did other stuff. But once in a blue moon I would play an online flash game. Remember those? Well, I don't remember what many of them were, but there was one that always stuck out in my head. The one flash game that drove me nuts, and haunted me from the age of three or four, all the way up until now, at age 18. What video game could have been so bad it haunted me for this long? Well I will dare to speak it's name. God have mercy on my soul.
Well, here it goes. Diego's Rescue Adventure 3-D.
This game made me furious as a child, possibly the first time I had ever been truly angry at anything. You might be wondering "What could be so bad about this game?" Well here's some advice, don't wonder that. You will lead yourself to sin if you do. But regardless, allow me to shed some light on this.
I only found this game again because it was apparently lost for some time. Rather than explain that myself, here's a good video to watch that does that for me:
Now that you have seen that, here is some gameplay footage of this scar:
With those seen, let me just put forth my biggest complaint with the game, something you probably noticed in the gameplay footage yourself. The controls are TERRIBLE. Let me just say this, I still have not played this game since I was a small kid, so all of the experience playing the game I'm saying here is simply from memory. I don't know how bad the controls really were, but for a toddler (Which I would assume is the target demographic) it was absolutely unplayable.
>What I remember driving me nuts the most was that I had a really hard time figuring out how to jump, which for a 3D platform game is something you have to get good at realy quickly. However in addition to it being difficult just to jump, once you could it was a nightmare getting it to work properly. It took me about an hour to get half way through.
But that's not the worst of it. This is the worst of it. In the gameplay footage, you will notice there is a cliff @ about 3:14. You are not supposed to be able to go over that, but somehow I DID. And once you are at the bottom of that cliff, you have to do everything all over again. I vividly remember trying in vain to get back up the cliff to where I was before, but it couldn't be done. And that, ladies and gentlemen was the very first time in my entire life that I rage quitted.
It doesn't get much worse than that, but something equally as bad happened later that day. I decided that I was going to finish that game, to beat it once and for all. I was ready, ready to take it on and destroy it, claim the victory that should have been mine. I pulled myself together, prepared myself, and clicked back on the game.
It didn't work.
Where the game had been just a few hours earlier there was just a blank screen. Something had happened, either on my end or the server end where the game was not loading. I refreshed frantically, but nothing worked. At that point I gave up, and never looked back. And this article is the frist time in fourteen years I have ever mentioned this.
To be honest with you guys I'm not really mad at this game, though I was back then. Now it's just a curious piece of my own life history, something I look back on fondly to remember, "Oh yeah, once upon a time the bane of my existance was a really shitty Dora The Explorer game.". It was a simpler time, a horrible time for any adult alive at that moment, but a time where for me, there wasn't really any evil in the world. Just lazy ass game developers looking to make a quick buck on a shitload of fuck.
If you want to take a moral from this (For some reason) then I suppose just remember, the problems you have in your life right now will one day pass, and then you will be able to look back on them and laugh. As a toddler, this was a cataclysmic event for me. But now, not only is it a humorous story, but it's one I have learned from. So whatever happens, take care and carry on.
Argot
Page created: Friday, November 30th, 2018